A Guide To Deal With A Toxic Life-Partner And Bring Back Your Peace Of Mind [For Women]

First Understand - What’s in my control? His actions are not in my control.

I cannot change them whatever I do. I cannot change them, no matter how hard I try.

This is the basic mindset you need to keep to have your peace of mind intact. Say to yourself - I cannot change everything - especially others and their personality. So I let them be.

Make this 100% clear in your mind.

This might feel hard to do at first because we have been grown in a society where we assume everything can be changed by will. But reality doesn’t work like that. Things are beyond our control and we need to see what actually is in our control, and what’s out of control.

On thinking deeply, we find our reaction is completely in our control. So we control only that.

Be in the state of non-reaction

What is non-reaction?

You feel you are being treated unfairly and you don’t deserve this at all. And that’s absolutely true for you. And somehow you need to come out of this feeling - I get you getting unfairly treated feels really bad.

How can you come out of this feeling? Practically speaking - there are two ways ask your partner to change and see if he understands, the second way and the better, smarter one is - non-reacting and accepting you actually see that - this is my reality - this is something happening with me - and it’s okay, I know things are not perfect, but the truth is they will never be. So I must reduce the expectations otherwise I’ll go on hurting myself.

I just try to make the situation better as much as possible for me, and need to clearly see and understand - how much of it is in my control.

So first step is to accept and then act. Acceptance is just for yourself, your peace of mind.

The more you resist something, the more it persists, and cause you pain. So stop this loop of unacceptance, in your mind, you only need to do this mentally. You don’t have to do anything in the outer world. Just see the reality and accept it that it has turned this way for me, and that's okay.

Once you really and genuinely do this, you can be free of expectations that hold you back and make you upset.

How to practice non-reaction?

Whenever a strong negative feeling occurs to you, know that they are just natural emotions trying to say something to you. Feel them. Resist not. Accept. Give them love and they will dissolve to a large extent. Know that - You are causing it and you are the only one who can dissolve them by accepting and giving it the space it demands.

Whenever there’s a heated argument, take a deep breath and count backwards from 5. Then calmly ask yourself - what’s actually in my control in this moment?

You got an answer - that something is in my control right now. Maybe you suddenly realise my emotions are in my control. Then ask yourself - what can i do about it? what can I truly change in this situation? Maybe you'll get - I can breathe, relax for a while, and then deeply think about this particular issue. Or maybe I can listen calmly and tell my partner that I’ll respond to him when I have a calm and clear mind.

When it actually comes to talking to him. You can be non-reactive by -

• Understanding his position: Try to understand - is he really this evil or certain things are making me think that. Has he not done anything good ever? If understanding looks hard, which it can, then do the following.

• Not taking his words personally or to your heart: Whatever he says, it is coming from his upbringing and thoughts and that's just a person’s perspective. It’s not the absolute truth, he’s just saying what he feels and you don’t need to believe that and you don’t need to think it’s only about you. Maybe he has his own past traumatic experiences and that is why he’s the way he’s now. After all nobody is born toxic. We all learn that from our specific environment.

• Know that he has his issues going on, and he will not understand you. Accept this idea, and mentally move on: You need to control your inner world that is - your mind, feelings, thoughts. That’s all it takes to be peaceful. Do this pranayama to make the first step to control your mind - 5 minutes practice for peace. Details of this practise is given in the end.

• Gradually realise it’s okay if he doesn’t want to understand me or care for me: Know this be true - I just need self love and that is enough to keep things going. I can care for myself and that’s a blessing indeed. Know and learn how to care for yourself. Be grateful for the good things in life. Make a list and read them everyday. Actually do this.

• Understand things are not perfect, and cannot be: Nobody’s life is perfect no matter how much good and bright side they show you on social media. They too are struggling with their own challenges. Remember this.

• If he shouts at you or do something harsh, do not react: Your mind will burst forth with thoughts like - how unfair this is, and you don’t deserve this. But just simply observe and try to watch your thoughts at the moment.

You’ll feel a rush of energy in the body. Know that this is all natural to feel, and it is not your mistake. Forgive yourself and him also for he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s just acting based on his own conditions of life, he’s not perfect, and has done a lot of mistakes earlier and he’s doing them now. He’s suffering from the disease called anger, hatred and god knows what, forgive him for that too. Someone has to take responsiblity for both of your well-being. Let it be you. Let the change start with you.

In an unpleasant or aggresive situation, control your mind from reacting, and try to be calm yourself first. This is an important step. Maybe you can do the pranayama practice at that time or delay the conversation and let it settle. Pranayama will actually help you deal with your turbulence of mind.

Once you are calm, and non-reactive, try to recall his words in your mind and think of a doable solution that caters to his point of view and also does not harm you. Try to find a mid way and be solution-oriented. If nothing comes up, try to change yourself, because most probably that’s what the life and universe is demanding from you - to take more responsibility of your thoughts and find peace in life.

Understanding myself - my mind patterns, reactions, desires, fears.

Go deeper to know yourself. If something you don’t like something - whom do you blame the world or your perception. Deeply understand that most things are not your control - that includes - others.

So act wisely by not reacting to others no matter how ugly they behave. Your happiness is in your hands always. And you need to keep it that way. Keep your state of mind in your control. This is the need of the hour. And with this little yet deep understanding, you’ll live a much better life.

Here are 3 powerful quotes by Bryon Katie, a healer and the author the book of - Loving What Is.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”

~ Byron Katie

“It's not your job to like me - it's mine”

~ Byron Katie

“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them”

~ Byron Katie

“If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options:

remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now.

Then accept the consequences. No excuses. No negativity. No psychic pollution. Keep you inner space clear.”

~ Eckhart Tolle

Do contact me if you need PDFs of Byron Katie’s and Eckhart Tolle’s books. Will be happy to share them with you. :)

Pranayama Practice - Nadi Shuddhi

Nadi Shuddhi is amazingly powerful in making your mind calmer and relaxed.

Watch the above video, and practice it anytime you feel overburdened with thoughts. Do not do it immediately after a meal. Take out 4 minutes for the practice, as you do it, it will automatically be easier for you to do it for a longer duration from 8 to 10 minutes.

But as you start, just set a timer on your phone for 4 minutes and follow as guided in the video.

This guide is just a reminder of some basic ideas that we often forget, so this is a gentle reminder to not forget it again. :)

Hope this guide helps you.